Can I be totally and completely transparent and honest with you? This year I've been spending a lot of time reflecting and growing and within that process, I'm learning that I actually do not do a great job at choosing men. Don't worry, this is not going to be a "man-bashing" post, but it is reflective on how I find myself time and time again in the same situation when it comes to my relationship choices.
Okay, so two of my favorite shows to watch are Being Mary Jane and Insecure (Shout out to the #BlackGirlMagic in both of those shows) yet, when watching I can't help but see myself in some of the actions and choices that some of the characters make, primarily MJ (Mary Jane) and Molly when it comes to dating and men.
Now, I have never been with a married man as both characters have, but I have been the one to choose the "bad" guy even when I knew it wasn't going anywhere (Oh my twenties..smh), I've been the one that allowed my heart only to lead me versus using both my heart and my mind when it comes to making the best relationship choices, and even more the one who will look at the fantasy or the potential of a relationship versus the reality that is in front of my face.
From "situationships" to "nothingships" to just plain old "dumbships", I've found myself in all of them and it got to the point in which I questioned if love even exists and if it does is it even for me. Maybe it's just not meant for me to have someone special in my life. Because of that thinking, I found myself callused and not really caring. I became numb based on past experiences and let that warmth and belief in who I was slowly "die" with every heartbreak. It was if a part of me left with each person I allowed into my space when they didn't deserve a seat at the table. I settled for the feeling of having someone around, even for a little while because at least something is better than nothing right?? it's crazy because you never really feel alone until you get a "taste" of the possibility of a relationship and then it's gone. And that's when questionable choices are made, believe me! Because of that, I had to start questioning myself and what am I personally/internally doing to end up in the same spot over and over again.
I had to really look at what's going on internally and when I tell you this is a process of deep searching, growth, pain, revelation, and acceptance, it's a process. It really takes looking inward to evaluate who you are and what you're accepting in your life, even more, why you're accepting it. it's tough but it's rewarding. Going through this process, I'm getting pieces of me back, pieces that I thought were gone are being restored (THANK YOU GOD) and my openness and belief that love will come into my life are growing and reshaping itself. I'm learning that it's not my timetable but God's and to be honest if I would've gone into a relationship with the internal baggage that I was carrying before I don't know how that would've worked out. I had to allow God to truly come in and start cleaning up my heart.
Now, I'm no longer looking for the fairytale with rose-colored glasses, but the reality of the love God has created and designed for me. Now, I will be a version of me that has been shaped by those past experiences but not defined by them. Now, I'm living my life for me and not the standards that society puts on me no longer in the heartbreak of my past but in the faith that God has for me in the future. As for my choices, I'm now seeking God first before I make them because who can be a greater matchmaker than the one who created Love.
Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment and show some love below.